Man, they don’t do them like this anymore…

Great 1990s, the peak of home video entertainment has brought some truly unforgettable moments in movie history. And to continue with our series of Die Hard ripoffs, I’ve picked up the endurance test in a form of Anna Nicole Smith’s non-acting in PM Entertainment’s movie Skyscraper. And yes, 22 years later there will be another one. Skyscraper, not Anna Nicole Smith, of course.

Anyway, I was planning to watch this one, if for nothing else than to confirm the overall bad ratings everywhere for this magnificent period piece of bad-beyond-redemption cinema.

So, what do we have here? As Anna Nicole Smith explained it: “It’s a Die Hard, but in a skyscraper”. No shit.

ANS plays Carrie Wink, a helicopter pilot operating a heliscort, i.e. helicopter escort in L.A. With the most annoying voice I’ve heard to date in the movie. Really, I wanted to pierce my eardrums. Pair it with the absolute emotionless or ridiculous whining performance and you have a winning combination for turning someone into a killer. The worst thing? She’s like that the whole movie!

About 15 minutes from the beginning of the first titles we have a softcore sex scene with Anna and her two big assets in the shower. Then a sex scene with Anna and her movie husband Gordon “Gordie” Wink (Richard Steinmetz) and I am getting old or something, but I’ve found it sooo boring. You just can’t forget her whinning voice and that ruins the whole scene. Anna was indeed the best when she kept her mouth shut. And straight after the sex, when Gordon is called back to the office, she starts to whinge about her wanting a baby. Please, noooo! (And with thanks to movie gods, it hasn’t happened.)

Thankfully for us, some terrorists we’ve seen in the beginning of the movie (I was always fascinated by the neverending shooting from those automatic guns, it never gets old), are after a satellite navigation stuff, so they’ve eventually barricaded themselves in a some tech-corp skyscraper (hence the title) with our heroine present, as she serves as a aero-taxi for our main badass Fairfax (Charles Huber chewing every scene he’s in with the over the top performance).

So yes, Die Hard, but in a skyscraper, lol. And you got also the great assortment of bad guys almost to the point modelled by the great Bruce Willis’ legendary flick. The best one is Calvin Levels as Nakim, looking like Whoopi Goldberg’s younger brother, re-enacting the role of Al Leong in aforementioned Die Hard. And, of course, instead of late great Alexander Godunov in DH we have Deron McBee as Leidemeier, looking like he was picked up from a Chippendales casting. But these guys at least try to act, while Anna just suffers through the whole movie.

I’m not gonna spoil the whole movie for you, but believe me, it’s gotta be seen to be believed. This is the pinnacle of bad script and bad acting. Which is a shame, as I quite liked the camerawork and the surroundings, but you know, you can only fake it for so long. But I am sure I would like it back then. Yes, I was young and dumb.

A few corpses later, Anna Nicole Smith wins. With totally unbelievable ending and so fake a fight with the main badass I wanted to gouge my eyes out, but nevertheless, she is a winner.

Summed up – and while I don’t want to speak ill of the dead – Anna Nicole Smith with her lack of talent and emotions couldn’t act to save her life. And even her assets couldn’t save this stinker of a movie.

But for the movie junkies to have a total laugh – I can’t recommend this enough. Especially if you can find it in some bargain bin for a few cents. And you can thank me later.