They don’t do them like that anymore, I guess. You know, those little silly movies with fantastic titles and storylines which don’t always deliver, with humour which made you (albeit ocassionally) chuckle and a gratituous portion of T&A for all those teenage boys to engage…well, you’ve got the picture, right?
Yeah, they don’t do them like that anymore. Therefore I’ve picked up a copy of Teenage Exorcist for my early holiday morning, based on two factors – Brinke Stevens, of course, and Fred Olen Ray.
Brinke is an obvious reason. Back in 1991, in her prime, she was (and I think we can all say that she still is) an unforgettable scream queen, along Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer (plus a few other 80s female icons) and it’s not hard to see why. Fred Olen Ray, on the other hand, is one of the undisputed makers of B-movies we just can’t help but love, here as a writer of the story (and it’s nice to see Brinke to pen the screenplay).
And from the very cover of the movie we see this essential exploitation technique so well employed to this very day. Brinke in chrome silver dress? Nope, you won’t see her wearing that. Michael Berryman with two horns? Not gonna happen. But if you are can appreciate a little movie trash, it won’t neither surprise nor disappoint you. We’ve all seen this a million time, haven’t we?
Teenage Exorcist is a low budget Exorcist parody and thanks God we don’t need to rely on fart jokes and vulgarity marking parody and comedy movies of the 21st century. It’s actually interesting to notice how little you need to make a movie. 10 people and two-three locations and you’re good to go.
Obviously, an aforementioned low budget restricts film-makers from using sophisticated FX, but on the other hand, what special effects does one actually need in Exorcist type of movie?
Now, enough of my bullshit and let’s see what’s the movie is about. First of all, the movie song. Whoever did this tune, what were they thinking? But even this poor attempt at glam/heavy metal song is somewhat fitting in this, but still…man!
Diane (Brinke Stevens) rents a new place for herself, a suspiciously cheap one, and who’s the estate agent? Michael Berryman, that’s who! His is just a special guest appearance and unlike the cover’s suggestion, he only has a two brief scenes in the movie, but the first one, renting the place to Diane, is one of the highlights of the movie.
Now, we know from the very beginning the place is haunted by the ghost of baron de Sade (well, OK, they don’t put much original thought into this one, but whatever) and soon enough we see the manifestations of evil and voilez! Diane is possessed.
Acting upon her desperate plea for help here comes the cavalry to the rescue…ok, not really the cavalry, just Diane’s sister Sally (played by gorgeous Elena Sahagun with great body, which she shows us in a great shower scene) and her husband Mike (John Henry Richardson, here as Jay Richardson). And the first funny encounters happen, with an ocassional one-liner now and then, the conversation of Mike with Diane’s obnoxious not-quite-a-boyfriend Jeff (Tom Shell) is priceless.
And not long after that, Jeff appears at the door. As expected, minunderstanding the situation (and, of course, Sally and Mike don’t really help him with the explanation, lol), Jeff frees the possessed Diane and then the hell opens loose. OK, just kidding, Diane runs into the basement where she is under the spell of undead baron de Sade.
Our 3 unlikely heroes/victims now face the supernatural horror, so they call for help to Father McFerrin (Robert Quarry, known for Count Yorga and others, in later years acting in many of Fred Ray Olen’s movies). After what appears as an initial success, good old priest has its Bible burnt, so he has to resort to recite various Latin phrases like Tyrannosaurus Rex and Canis Major (and I have to admit I laughed at this like I am 14yo lol), afterwards Diane changing to a rotweiller.
Well, that calls for another backup, but after dialing a wrong number, instead of Monsignor Connelly they end up with Eddie (Eddie Deezen), a pizza delivery boy, who baron de Sade wants later to sacrifice to free himself and to get immortal life. Well, of course he wants that!
That’s basically the plot of the movie, ending is as usual, but if you persist, you will be rewarded with a few more jokes/gags and footage of Brinke in a nice erotic dress (although nope, she won’t get naked in this one).
But overall, it’s a fun flick to spend some time. Nothing serious, nothing groundbreaking even in the genre of B-movies, but definitely a pizza night light entertainment. I, for one, am not complaining.
