Red Velvet – you know, I come from the heavy metal scene. I totally never heard of Red Velvet until today because I am only into extreme underground raw metal. I would never listen to Korean pop music. I’m just too cool for that. I would rather sit and talk about black metal bands with other agoraphobic rejects on the internet. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Music that sounds different than muh precious! My guys wearing makeup and leather pants going “goo goo” into a microphone with limited talents! My precious ooga-booga banging on pots n’ pans and shit!

What you just read is something that many people would say. You know, I know 30-, 40-, 50-years old men who argue about bands – and all the fucking bands sound exactly the same. Which new shitty black metal band that sounds exactly like Darkthrone (or Dimmu Borgir) are we gonna worship on the precious metal message board today? Which “Die-Hard Edition” vinyl exclusively limited to 10,000 copies is your dumb fucking ass gonna spend money on?

I hate you fucking people. I swear, these people have made metal into a laughing stock. I’ve been here doing midwestern metal for more than 20 years and I hate these people, but I’ll keep doing it, just so I can laugh when they’ve all moved on to electronic darkwave synth or whatever the fuck. In the past 20 years I’ve seen hundreds move on to different music upon the very MOMENT they smoke their first joint, or move out of their dad’s basement, and the list goes on. You’re all garbage!

Now on to the review.

Red Velvet RBB EP cover
Red Velvet – RBB EP cover

Red Velvet’s “RBB” is their 5th (and at the time of this writing, newest) EP. It’s a very adventurous journey through music and vocal performance that may take people by surprise, or even scare them.

Track by track:

RBB – This was the first single and follow-up to their last album’s second single (and consequently, their biggest hit to date) “Bad Boy.” RBB stands for “Really Bad Boy” and the first time I heard this song it caught me completely off guard. I didn’t hate it, I just couldn’t fucking understand what the hell they were doing. Upon second listen – as usual, my relationship with Red Velvet’s music is me having to listen to it twice to “grasp” what’s going on – I found a song that focuses almost exclusively on vocal. This is more primitive than all the raw, black, heavy metal you could fit onto 20,000 mix tapes (if people still made actual tapes) and it’s just…insane. The vocals are everywhere and come from every direction at your ears.

There’s some percussion and some horns. That’s about it and I have to say, even though the audience it’s directed at may not get this, this song is complete, pure art. In essence, it is a production dream. It isn’t slick in any way. The lyrics aren’t exactly genius but the way they are sung…that’s genius.

This song is absolutely wacky in the best possible way. Listen with headphones on for the best experience: It’s a war, you’re the last remaining soldier on the opposing side, and you get attacked from all sides. It’s a barrage in the best possible way. I can not recommend this single enough, but it is not for the faint-hearted. And it sure as hell isn’t for posers. I can’t gush about this song enough. It’s fucking badass. That’s that.

Butterflies – A pure disco dance track right here. Very slick and perfectly done. This reminds me of Madonna mixed with 1970s dancehall music. The verse is lowkey and the chorus blows up in your face like The Unabomber decided to have Dance Parties instead of being some kind of “Revolution” retard. I mean, what was he thinking? How the hell does anyone get laid while residing in a shitty ass one room cabin making incendiary devices for a living? What a fucking idiot. This is a really good song that isn’t out of place after the first song, but quite different in tone. The bridge features some really good, varied vocal lines including a rap style at some point. If you like to dance, or just like dance music, you will like this song. If you don’t like to dance, you were probably one of the nerds I used to absolutely torment in high school. I still would completely torment you and make your life Hell. Just know that. I can still beat you up.

So Good – And here we go into a song that reminds me of older Red Velvet (maybe I’ll review their older shit at a later time.) There’s a distinct 90’s American R and B thing going on here. The music here again is primitive, kind of flamenco sounding in parts. I don’t know how to explain it other than that. The vocal performances are brilliant here. Wendy and Seulgi, as usual, are the standouts. They are the best vocalists in Red Velvet and they do a really good job on this song. It’s really “So Good.” Ha, I’m so fucking funny. It sets the stage for the next track which is…

Sassy Me – I don’t even know what the hell to think of this song. It’s reminiscent of Hyuna. The verse is weird and funky. It’s going way over my head; this music wasn’t meant for guys like me, anyway, but it drags me in to it’s fucked up world and I don’t know what to do. Do I like this song or not? The chorus, the harmony, the singing… it’s fun. I think this is kind of a dancey, Disneyland, goofy vacation, sounding type of song. The bridge with Seulgi and Wendy trading vocal lines is cool.

All of a sudden someone says “Shhh…Did you hear that?” and I think someone said that to me. This freaks me out, and I turn the music off only to realize I’m an idiot.

Red Velvet breaks right back into the chorus. I quite like this song. It fits Red Velvet. If they were put into a little box with only one song to represent them, it may be THIS song… until you realize “RBB” exists, and that it’s probably the best song for the box of Red Velvet’s representation.

Taste – Clap track. That’s the first thought I have. Clap track! I love the fucking clap. And I don’t mean gonnorhea. I mean the clap track. You know, rhythm. Music; percussion. Shit. Now I’m thinking of venereal diseases. I go through all of them in my mind. In turn, I settle upon “chlamydia” as the most disgusting sounding one of all of them. Now, I forgot how to spell “chlamydia” so I look it up, and I find out I’m right about the spelling, but I also find something disgusting. Something that makes me hate the world!

When I typed “chlamydia” into Google I got this blurb from the Moron Farm that is Planned Parenthood:

“Chlamydia is a SUPER common bacterial infection that you can get from sexual contact with another person. Close to 3 million Americans get it every year, most commonly among 14-24-year-olds. Chlamydia is spread through vaginal, anal, and oral sex.”

Okay, now I don’t give a FUCK that 3,000,000 Americans have it, but if we average that out and apply it to the world, that means 33,333,333 Chinese people have it. I’m never visiting there anyway, but god damn!

I don’t care that it’s most commonly spread among 14-24 year olds, because people of that age group are all stupid…so stupid, in fact, most of them should not be allowed to live among others in society. They should be placed in internment camps until they are 25.

So what’s my problem with this blurb about chlamydia?

“Chlamydia is a SUPER common bacterial infection.” What the fuck? Is that how people talk? “SUPER COMMON”? I can just hear the loser that typed that SAYING it out loud. Suuuuper common. Go fuck yourself. Literally go fuck yourself, that way you don’t catch the Suuuuper common chlamydia bacteria from some nasty ass motherfucker. For the love of all fucking things that are good in this world, stop using “super” as a fucking Paris Hilton bullshit Kardashian Ass adverb!

Anyway, “Taste” by Red Velvet is a really good song. It has a good rap breakdown where they all take turns…breaking it down. This is a good EP but it is not my favorite Red Velvet material…

They then do a goofy English version of “RBB” as the last track, which I don’t really think they needed to do, but they are touring the US and Canada this year so maybe they got pressured to do it. It’s still good, just kind of silly. Silly in a good way, though.

If you want to have a really weird introduction to Red Velvet, this is the place to begin. If you are not adventurous… if you are not musical in any way…the title track is going to turn you off, and drive you completely nuts. I consider “Russian Roulette” or “Perfect Velvet” a better intro for Red Velvet virgins, but this EP has a special place in my soul. It’s really, really good. It’s groundbreaking too. This is quite far removed from normal K-Pop especially “RBB” “Taste” and “So Good.” There’s a little more of a western flavor on a couple of the tracks than I’m used to, and I don’t care much for the modern western flavor, but I’ll take what I can get when it comes to Red Velvet’s music.