We start off with some footage of Ric Flair taking off his clothes and yelling in the ring right after Flair tells Goldberg “You are the man!”
I didn’t make that up.
Buff Bagwell says “You bring the gold and I’ll show you I’m buff and I’m the stuff” to Scott Steiner. He replies with “I’m gonna trash you!”
Gorgeous George will face off against Little Naitch Charles Robinson.
Gorgeous George was GORGEOUS. She was also Macho Man’s girlfriend which means anyone who called her gorgeous got killed.
“I challenge Page, the world champion” Kevin Nash yells and says he will break DDP’s back because he hasn’t forgotten, and he will do it in honor of Hollywood.
I didn’t make any of this up.
Live from St. Louis Missouri USA, it’s Slamboree 1999.
Tonight two men will battle to find out who will run the company!
“Whoever runs WCW, we’re in trouble.” – Bobby Heenan
It’s gonna be Flair vs. Piper for control of World Championship Wrestling. Ric Flair is the President of WCW at this time and I need t to provide some backstory. Flair decided he wasn’t just president of WCW. He decided he was also President of the United States of America.
I remember this storyline fairly well and it was one I loved. It was hilarious. Half the time Flair was acting insane. The other half of the time he was naked. Flair ends up in a mental hospital, where he meets more people who think he is the President of America, and returns to WCW.
The referee known as Charles Robinson (not a wrestler, mind you, just a ref) somehow becomes Flair’s lackey and calls himself “Little Nature Boy” (in reference to “The Nature Boy” nickname held by Ric Flair.)
All of this stuff pisses Rowdy Roddy Piper “The Hot Rod” off, and for some reason he’s the good guy in all this messy drama.
I can’t explain it more than that. It’s near unexplainable and hurts to think about.
Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan, and Mike Tenay are at the announcer’s table. We go to Mean Gene to start off the show and he says “One of the great signs here says WRESTLING CAPITAL” and he’s right about this. St. Louis was the Mecca of the Midwest when it came to wrestling in the 70s and 80s. Lots of stars wrestled there for many years, and it was a quite popular show on television. Gene says the tradition of great wrestling will continue tonight. No, no it won’t Gene. And now he’s talking about the WCW Hotline 1-900-909-9900, $1.69 a minute, kids get your parents permission, “but do call the hotline tonight.”
Imagine the money they made on that shit. Holy fuck.
Coming to the ring first are Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko. I fast forward because Chris Benoit murdered his child, and his wife. This was a three-way tag match between three teams. It comes down to Malenko/Murderer and Raven/Saturn.
A man with a Sting mask comes out of the crowd as Malenko puts Saturn in the Texas Cloverleaf. He hits Dean, and Raven hits the Evenflow DDT for the win. The guy takes off his Sting mask. It’s Kanyon!
There are these dumb little video montages in between matches. This first one is DDP. He’s pointing to the crowd and beating up Stevie Ray a lot, but one part has Hulk Hogan. It serves no purpose whatsoever.
NWO Music hits and we have Stevie Ray, Horace Hogan and Vincent.
The worst NWO members. I fast forward. I need to explain that I record these reviews on my phone and I just type what I’m saying. This will come into play later in the review.
“Here comes Konnan, the rapping Mexican gangster thug with his sports team gear on versus Stevie, versus no. Versus Horace Hogan? I don’t know what the fuck is going on.” Konnan says “Where my dogs at? Where they at?” and the crowd responds in kind as he screams “Odelay!” and the crowd says “Odelay!”
He then yells “Arriba la raza!” and the crowd repeats it and immediately Konnan decides to say “There’s French, there’s Creamy, there’s Italian and there’s Ranch. Them are salad dressings. Pick one. Because tonight. You’re gonna bow down. He’s gonna toss my salad. And you’re gonna peel my potato.”
Stevie Ray laughs at this, breaking character. Stevie Ray is three times as tall as Konnan. Bad knees. Bad punches. Stevie taunts Konnan “The K-Dawg.” This match is terrible. Konnan is getting the shit beat out of him and Stevie Ray’s yelling at the camera. The guys outside are doing nothing. Stevie misses a shoulder block. Konnan with a bunch of chops and a sweet spin around DDT thing that Stevie Ray took the wrong way and it looks like shit.
Konnan distracted by NWO and Stevie Ray hits what I call the Stevie Kick but that’s someone else’s move. It’s actually the Harlem Sidekick. Konnan is down outside the ring. “He ain’t nothing baby. He gonna get broken down like the dog he is” Horace Hogan says to the camera and a big clothesline by Stevie Ray that looks like total shit. Stevie Ray yells “Who’s the boss?”
Some sort of facelock or chinlock applied on K-Dawg by Stevie Ray. Konnan is Hulking up out of it. I call it “Koning Up.” Big botch here. Konnan is supposed to get the upper hand and Stevie Ray didn’t get the clue. Hand to the face. Hand to the face. Clothesline botched huge by Stevie Ray. It was clearly meant to be Konnan’s big comeback. Stevie Ray deflects, though. He screams “I kill somebody round here” and applies the same chinlock he applied earlier.
The camera’s looking down on Konnan’s open mouth during this move and Tony Schiavone says “I’m lookin down the throat of Kaynan” (getting his name wrong) and Mike Tenay replies “That’s a combination of K-Dawg and Konnan which would be Kaynan, how about Canine?” Tony replies “I’m trying to see how many teeth he has capped” to which Bobby Heenan retorts the line of the night “Hes got 809 teeth – he looks like he swallowed a piano.”
Stevie Ray hits an Irish Whip and a big elbow then turns to taunt everyone. This match is a torturous abomination and I start yawning already. Stevie Ray only worked because he was tall, had muscles, and was black. Stevie Ray as a white man wouldn’t work, and never would’ve been on television. Konnan (or Kaynan) puts his leg up and Stevie Ray hits it with his head. Rolling somersault clothesline by Kaynan into a botched leapfrog which Stevie Ray hits with his head. Konnan gets tripped by Horace Hogan. Rey Mysterio hits the ring to try and help his friend Kaynan. Pedigree attempt by Stevie Ray, Mysterio up, jumps on Stevie Ray, crotch in the face, Konnan takes him down and pins him.
Terrible. 0/10. We aren’t off to a very good start here. Kaynan / Canine wins and dances terribly. He’s been wearing a backbrace during this match so Cassie (the beautiful woman I live with) yells out “He shouldn’t be dancing if his back is so hurt!”
Another video thing with Wolfpac music and pictures of Kevin “Big Sexy” Nash which cuts off midway through it, extremely fucking abrupbtly – and we cut to “The Internet Site” (Tony Schiavone says this) and we’re talking to Rick Steiner who says this all in one sentence without stopping once:
“Oh I think I got a lot to prove you know I’m sick of uh you know uh Booker knew his brother came out there and hit me in the head the first match we had and uh we um this is really my first shot wrestling by myself away from my brother-“
A guy interviewing him says “I don’t mean to take exception-“
Rick Steiner: “Exception to what?”
Interview guy: “I don’t think Booker had any idea.”
Rick Steiner: “Cmon he wrestled Curt Hennig and his brother comes down and looks at him and you know-“
Interviewer: “They’ve been estranged, though.”
Rick Steiner: “David who?”
Interviewer: “They have been estranged, though-“
Rick Steiner: “Strange what? Strangers? What? They’re brothers. The Hoffman brothers? One’s from Brooklyn and the other’s from-” and then the camera cuts to the stadium and the interview just cuts there.
I laugh loudly.
Now we have a Sting video package to show you pictures of Sting and I don’t know what they’re doing on this show. In 1999 I bowed out of watching a little bit because there wasn’t much of a show left, it was disjointed garbage really.
DDP and Bam Bam Bigelow look like they’re burying the hatchet right now according to the announcers as we see them both backstage talking but we can’t hear a word they say to each other. I’m yawning again.
Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs comes out without music and yells “It’s Nasty Time Baby. Get Ready it’s Nasty Time. Huh, Nasty Boulevard. It’s time, just a little bit nasty, yeah, yeah baby you got that right, boo all you want cuz I’m as nasty as I wanna be.”
Why is there no music? Bam Bam Bigelow comes out to no music and it’s announced this is a hardcore match. Bam Bam says “Hardcore rules, that’s what I’m talking about.”
He’s bringing down a hotel laundry cart full of weapons. He’s throwing stuff in the ring. A chair hits the ropes but doesn’t go in. A bucket hits the ropes and then the floor. Stuff just isn’t going in the ring.
Knobbs hits Bam Bam with a garbage can, then some sort of large pizza pan and I’m yawning as he hits him with a baking sheet in the head twice. It dents the baking sheet but I’m about to fall asleep.
Another garbage can because they broke the first one, and Bam Bam is trying to block these things but can’t. It’s not possible. Knobbs is relentless. Kind of funny.
Some sort of strange drop slam by Bam Bam on Knobbs. He breaks something over Knobbs’ head. “Be quiet, I love to hear their noggins hit” Heenan says.
Garbage can to Brian Knobbs’ head. Bam Bam Bigelow goes to the top rope and does the diving headbutt.
He’s on his hands and knees searching for something. Knobbs hits him with something. Knobbs hits him with a chair, boom to the back of Bam!
Brian yells “Nasty” and runs and jumps, hitting Bam Bam in the face with the garbage can.
He misses a chair shot and hurls it toward the audience. I am really tired and bored at this point.
Knobbs thrown into the steel steps as they brawl outside the ring. Kids are going insane yelling. Girls are yelling at them. “Hit him! Hit him!”
Bam Bam face first to the steps and receives a chair to his back. Knobbs can’t get the trash can for a bit. Finally he gets hold of it. Bam Bam blocks it with a pizza pan… Holy fuck this is shitty.
I yawn really loudly on the audio of this review.
Hubcaps to the side of the head, crashed together like cymbals on Knobbs head by Bam Bam Bigelow. He gets a pan and hits him. I yawn.
It’s really loud when he gets hit and people laugh like it’s some kind of comedy show and I guess it is. “Eventually he’ll play ‘Louie Louie’ on his head” says Bobby Heenan.
“Nasty! You stinkin’ idiots!” Brian Knobbs yells and keeps yelling “Nasty” as Bam Bam whips him into the laundry cart, completely destroying it.
Bucket to the head but Bigelow punches it. Garbage can to Bigelow’s back, again and again and again. Crowd is yelling “Table, table” but there aren’t any tables to be found.
Knobbs is down. This is a loud match due to all the hits to the heads with metal objects. Tony Schiavone offers this insight:
“It must be that their heads are a certain shape or thickness that they’d make these sounds.”
Holy moley. This lady yells to Brian Knobbs “Come on and get nasty!” HAhahahhahaha
They fight to the front of the entrance ramp. Brian Knobbs headfirst, whipped into the rail by Bam Bam. Then the same only opposite, Bam Bam into the rail. More rail. Rail, rail, rail, rail. Knobbs throws a merchandise guy down (they’re at the merch table / t-shirt stand) and takes a garbage can full of trash and tears down the poster display.
They get a ladder and Brian Knobbs hits Bigelow with it, going crazy yelling “Nasty!” and the people love it. I didn’t know he had a fanbase. He apparently did in 1999. Everyone is getting crazier and Knobbs goes on to a ledge (I can’t explain this any better than I am now) and throws himself over a table on to Bam Bam. They’re saying it was an elbow drop, but he just fell on the concrete. Bam Bam suplexes Brian through the table and stays “The King of Hardcore” according to announcer Mike Tenay.
Welcome to the dog pound! It’s Rick Steiner coming out to take on Booker T! The storyline here is that Stevie Ray beat up Rick Steiner. Stevie Ray is the tag-team partner and storyline (not real though) “brother” of Booker T which pissed Steiner off so he is fighting Booker T because Stevie Ray hit Steiner during a match. Or kicked him, whatever. Rick has dog statues on the shoulder pads of his jacket. I say “this ought to be an abortion.”
Booker T on his way to the ring. He’s the T.V. Champion. The ref holds up the belt signaling the competition that is about to take place. We have a title match.
Two of the toughest men in the business according to the announce team.
I’m extremely tired and they’re taunting each other.
A lockup. Rick in control. Nobody knows who to cheer for. Everyone likes both of the guys. I’m tired and yawning again… I’m not sure how I stayed awake this long. “Mentally, the guy can’t handle himself. Maybe his earmuffs are too tight” Bobby Heenan says about Rick Steiner and I say “I don’t have much to say about this shit.” Steiner is beating up Booker. “He has strong legs” Tony says for no reason.
What a moron.
And Booker T goes for the axe kick but misses. Dropkick and Scott Steiner comes out. Scott is helping Rick kick Booker T’s ass. 1, 2, 3. Steiner Brothers reunion and although I love them, I do not care.
In fact, I have fallen asleep. That’s right folks. For the next few matches, it’s me snoring. I start snoring. Cassie’s laughing. I sleep through such Gorgeous George vs. Little Nature Boy Charles Robinson. If Gorgeous George wins then the Macho Man can wrestle in WCW again (that’s all we get before I am completely out like a light. I didn’t give a shit.
So I sleep.
And I sleep through the start of Big Poppa Pump against Buff Bagwell until I wake up and say “Someone has a sign that says Big Poppa Chump.”
Yes, I woke up just in time to notice that. Someone has a sign that says “My girlfriend will leave me for Buff’s stuff.”
Cassie says “This is one of the best times in wrestling.” I’m out of it and say “Iiii guessss sooooo, babbby.”
I struggle to stay awake. Buff into the guardrail and Steiner is staring at a guy in the audience, who laughs at him. Buff is thrown headfirst into the ringpost by Steiner. Cassie laughs at it, and I say “Buff is in the tree of woe!” Why did I even wake up? I’m now fully into the match, though…
Steiner turns to someone and says “Do you want some of me, BITCH?” Steiner is beating Buff up. He strangles him and yells “You piece of shit, come on, kiss my ass.” Scott Steiner was (and still is) known for his attitude which mainly consisted of curse words on live television. I loved it. Double-arm Suplex by Steiner. Belly-to-belly Suplex. He picks up a chair but misses, Buff then hits Steiner with the chair. “Crusher to the ears” whatever that is, a move called by Schiavone.
Rick Steiner in the ring, coming in to help Buff according to Schiavone. “He just helped his brother!” Yeah duh we saw this two matches ago, you idiot.
Here’s a Sting vs. Goldberg promotional video package. I don’t give a shit about this match, but Heenan says “I’m going with Goldberg.” Then Tony Schiavone starts talking and Heenan lightly says “I’m going to go home.” I feel ya.
“How many matches could be left?” I say and then pause the video. “Oh, an hour left. Fuck.”
Ric Flair vs. Roddy Piper
We watch clips of the story so far:
“I’m the president. I do what I wanna do. And I do it when I wanna do it.” This is Ric Flair at his very best…
“I’m the boss and I say what goes on around here!” Flair is president of WCW. And Flair is yelling. He signs a bunch of papers while firing people. He doesn’t know what he’s signing.
He’s taken off his clothes down to the underwear. I’m not making this shit up. He signs his own admission into the mental ward. “You can wrestle me and defeat me? Then you can run the damn company.” He’s running around firing people.
“You’re not fired!”
He’s now in the mental hospital and dancing around in his underwear with a robe on. The other inmates are dancing with him. He’s going wooo, wooo, wooo. The doctor says Ric thinks this is a hotel, what are we gonna do about this. Ric gets to make a phone call so he calls Little Nature Boy, and asks him an important question regarding his stay at the mental ward. This burning all-encompassing question is…
“Who is the best president of all time? Am I the greatest president of all time?”
Little Nature Boy Charles Robinson answers.
“You are the greatest Ric!”
Roddy Piper takes 16 minutes to get to the ring as his bagpipe music plays. Ric Flair takes 18 minutes to get to the ring. He comes out with Arn Anderson. A big musclebound nurse from the ward comes out behind him. She’s announced as “Asia.” This was a play on WWF’s “China” – another musclebound woman.
What excellent storytelling.
Ric in the ring licking his lips. This is the battle for the presidency. Flair’s dancing. This is horrible already, but I like it. Flair fights the ref!
Both wrestlers are wearing blue tights and blue kneepads. With blue boots too. This makes Cassie and I laugh and Flair gets the microphone.
“You’re fired. Get your ass out of here.” He says this to the referee and he screams “Get out of the building now! I’m the boss!” The ref leaves and Little Nature Boy Charles Robinson comes out. Charles is now the referee. I start yawning again. Literally the only match I wanted to see was Gorgeous George’s pendulous swinging breasts and voluptuous chubby ass versue Lil’ Naitch, but I’m not rewinding to see it… because I slept through it and woke up to watch THIS shit.
“You wanna talk to the President. You wanna talk to Ric Flair?” He asks Piper and gets slapped. A lot. Slap, slap, slap, slap. Ric hurting, rolls out of the ring. He walks away but then gets back in.
This match is punches and slaps. Flair with a low blow. Little Naitch doesn’t care, he’s fine with it. Arn Anderson comes in and hits Piper too. This is out of control! Ric Flair is thrusting toward some guy in the crowd and calling him “Fat Boy” as he dances around. Asia in the ring and kicks Roddy Piper in the balls. Man, Piper’s balls have to hurt.
Flair in complete control and Piper can not get up. Big slap, big chop, blocked by Piper in the corner of the ring. Big Back Body Drop by Piper. Both on the ground now and pin attempt, 2 count, but Robinson will not count Flair out. That’s kind of funny.
The most entertaining thing about this show was probably Gorgeous George but I missed it. I only know I missed it because I could hear the audio of the match in the background.
I’m typing this and I just said on the audio recording “I wonder why I slept through half of this.”
I then yawn again. Flair has the figure four leg lock on Piper. Arn starts hitting Piper when he reverses the figure four. Piper gets up…and pulls Flair’s pants down all the way.
Flair’s butt is hanging out. Seriously. His pants are still down and Piper puts the figure four on Flair. Arn gets in the ring. Hits Piper. Piper gets Arn in the sleeperhold. Sleeperhold on Ric Flair, Asia hits him, but he kisses her and puts her in a sleeperhold. Everyone gets sleeperholds but Flair pulls brass knuckles out of his underwear and hits Roddy, winning the match with a pin.
A fucking abomination, but an entertaining abomination at that.
Eric Bischoff comes down to the ring. Bischoff is the actual president of WCW. Flair says “What?” Bischoff says “Shut the hell up. I screwed alot of stuff up. I’m not screwing this up. Everybody here knows. That piece of garbage (Ric Flair) knows you (Roddy Piper) won this match…” Flair starts yelling “I’m boss, you’re fired” Piper says “YOU’RE FIRED, AND THEY CAN DRIVE YOU HOME.” Flair now goes to the audience and says “Shut up, I’ll have you thrown out of the building” to a guy. “Shut up, kid! You shut up!” He’s resorted to yelling at a little boy now. He’s yelling at kids.
Bischoff: “Turn the microphone off, he’s done.”
Piper: “First time I ever seen it, I never thought I’d seen it. Thank you.”
Sting Vs. Goldberg next. A match to find out who the franchise is. Most people wouldn’t care who the franchise is. Someone has a sign that reads “Sting is the real Big Sexy.” I beg to differ dude!
And I don’t care about this match.
They walk around in circles, basically.
They botch some moves.
Goldberg powerslams Sting. Crowd likes it. Sting over the top rope. Goldberg in the ring. Nothing happens. They lock up and do nothing.
Sting with a dropkick and clotheslines Goldberg out of the ring. They stay outside for what seems to be eight hours. Blah… I watched this match, fully awake. I slept through the hottest woman of 1999 Wrestling and watched this match.
Sting’s knee is injured but he flips Goldberg over into a Boston Crab but Goldberg breaks it. Sting kicks him in the leg. Sting punches him and puts him in a headlock takedown. They’re on the mat. I say “Fuck this is boring” as Bret Hart comes out and hits Goldberg with a chair.
He beats the shit out of Goldberg.
Rick and Scott Steiner come out. They beat the shit out of Sting.
They beat up Goldberg too. They are elbowing and kicking them both in their crotches. The Steiners have dominated the entire event so far.
No one would find out who the franchise of WCW was because this match had no winner. The crowd is completely lifeless now.
DDP Diamond Dallas Page vs. Kevin “Big Sexy” Nash
I don’t know why but Page is the bad guy in this match. Nash does his famous five moves of doom. Macho Man comes out and hits Nash. Disqualification and we have no winner again! I fell asleep during the only thing I wanted to see. Gorgeous George was so sexy back then, man.
Bischoff comes out and says the match must continue.
Nash not selling the moves by Page. DDP with a sleeper hold. The twenty-first sleeper hold of the night but to be fair, 20 of them were in the Flair and Piper match. Nash applies a sleeper hold on DDP! Holy fuck it’s Sleeper Hold Number 22!
“Get ready, his straps are coming down!” Nash is taking off his shirt. Powerbomb to DDP. Pin and our new world champion, Kevin “Big Sexy” Nash.
The audio of this is mildly entertaining, to me at least.
I chant Wolfpac, Wolfpac, Wolfpac, Wolfpac… then I ask:
“What match did I miss?” Cassie explains.
I ask “Who did Gorgeous George fight?”
She replies “Wasn’t it uh…it was that little Ric Flair…”
“I’m gonna go back and watch that.”
Then I go back, start to watch it and say “I don’t care about this, either,” and turn the dvd off…
There you have it, WCW SLAMBOREE 1999, Folks! Watch it and see if you stay awake. I couldn’t and can’t. I’m sure I will try again in the future when I forget that I have watched it.
My rating is a full 10/10 because Charles Robinson, though. How can I give a show I didn’t like a high rating? It’s better than most stuff on t.v. nowadays. Everything today is a 0 to a 0.1 so I gotta hand it to WCW for providing at least five minutes of entertainment in 2.5 hours worth of shit, which is more entertainment than I usually get out of anything on a t.v. screen!